There's a conversation that lives in your head for weeks before it actually happens. You rehearse it in the shower, you draft it at 11pm and delete the whole thing. You wonder whether you even have to say anything at all, whether saying something will change how they see you, and whether the silence is actually worse than the alternative.
I know. I had that exact conversation with my own boss during IVF. And I came out of it with the support I needed, and a few months later a promotion, a pay rise, and a full bonus. I don't tell you that to show off, I tell you because I want you to know it's possible, if that’s what you want, and because the method I used is one I now share with every client I work with.
Here's how to do it.
Before anything else: you do not have to disclose everything
You are not obliged to use the words "egg retrieval" at work. IVF is a medical matter and you can request flexibility around appointments without going into detail about your protocol. Some women keep it entirely private and that is a completely valid choice.
But most women I work with find that some level of disclosure makes the logistics significantly more manageable. Trying to navigate the unpredictability of a cycle entirely in silence, like the last-minute scans, the retrieval, the two-week wait, the emotional weight of whatever the result is, adds a layer of performance on top of something that's already taking everything you've got. So the question isn't really whether to tell them. It's how much, to whom, and how to go into that room prepared.
1. Prep for success
Before the conversation happens, get yourself mentally and emotionally ready for it. That sounds obvious, but most people skip this step and walk in reactive rather than grounded. Think about how you want to come across, about the impression you want to leave, and about difficult conversations you've handled well before. What did you do that worked?
This isn't about suppressing how you feel. It's about knowing what you feel so it doesn't catch you off guard in the room when you really need to say what you need to say. If you need to talk it through with a friend, a mentor, or a coach before you have it for real, do that first.
2. Know your IVF basics and share them clearly
Your manager almost certainly has no idea how IVF works. They don't know that scans and blood tests and appointments are called at short notice, that egg retrieval is a surgical procedure with a recovery time, that the two-week wait requires psychological endurance. You don't have to give them a medical lecture, but a brief, clear overview of why your schedule might be unpredictable and for roughly how long is useful.
Think about what you're willing to share and what you're not. You get to draw that line wherever you want. But coming in informed, rather than vague, makes the conversation feel professional rather than apologetic.
3. Know exactly what you need
This is the part most people underestimate. Go into the conversation knowing your specific asks, not just a general sense that you'd like things to be easier. Do you need flexibility around start times during monitoring? The option to work from home on certain days? A standing agreement that you can attend appointments without formal approval each time?
Know what you're asking for. Know what you're prepared to compromise on. Know your non-negotiables. When you're clear, it becomes a practical conversation about logistics rather than an emotional one about your situation, and that's better for both of you.
4. Make the business case
Your manager is, ultimately, operating within an organisation that needs to function. The best version of this conversation isn't you asking for things and them deciding whether to give them. It's you making the case for why supporting you is the smart call for the business.
What's your value to the company? What does your experience, your relationships, your institutional knowledge actually cost to replace? What will your commitment and loyalty look like over the long term if this goes well? And what might their concerns be about saying yes, so you can address them before they raise them?
You are not asking for a favour. You are negotiating a working arrangement that keeps a good person doing good work. Frame it that way.
5. Come with solutions, not just problems
Walking into your manager's office with a list of problems and no suggestions is unlikely to get you what you want. Come with proposals. If you need flexible hours, suggest a trial schedule. If you need occasional last-minute time off, think about how you'd manage handovers and communication. If there are projects you'd struggle to carry during the most intense phases of treatment, think about what that transition could look like.
A proactive, solutions-oriented approach tells your manager something important: that you're still the same person they hired, and that this is a problem you're solving together rather than one you're handing to them.
After the conversation: follow it up in writing
A brief email summarising what you discussed and what you've agreed removes ambiguity later. You don't want to revisit the same conversation in three months because nothing was confirmed. Keep it factual and professional.
Do I have to tell my employer I'm having IVF?
No. In the UK there is no legal duty to tell your employer you are having IVF, and how much you share is entirely your choice. Many people find that telling one trusted person, usually their manager, makes appointments and harder days much easier to manage. Keeping it private is a valid choice too.
It helps to know where the law does step in. Once you have had an embryo transfer, you have the same protection from pregnancy discrimination as anyone who is pregnant, and that protection continues for two weeks after you find out a transfer was unsuccessful. You still do not have to tell your employer at that point, although doing so means they can support you properly.
If you would rather keep things private for now, you can ask for time off for medical appointments without naming the treatment. You can always share more later, when it feels right for you.
For what it's worth, I told my boss during treatment and it was a productive, open conversation that got me the support I needed, which made everything from scan days to the harder weeks so much easier to manage. It was a deliberate choice and the right one for me. Keeping it private can be just as strategic, though, especially if you know your workplace well and have good reason to hold back.
How much detail do I need to give my employer about IVF?
Only as much as you need for the support you are asking for. Your manager needs a rough idea of how often you will be at appointments, how short the notice might be and what would help. They do not need your test results, your history or a running update on every cycle.
A simple version might sound like this: you are having fertility treatment over the next few months, it will mean some early appointments at short notice, and here is how you will keep your work covered. That gives your manager everything they need to plan, and nothing you would rather keep to yourself.
Decide where your boundary sits before the conversation. That way a kind but curious question does not draw out more than you planned to share.
Should I tell HR or my manager first?
Usually your manager, because they are the person adjusting your workload day to day. Go to HR first if your relationship with your manager is difficult, if you want to understand your company's fertility policy before you talk, or if you would like advice on what to put in writing.
Before either conversation, check your staff handbook or intranet for a fertility policy, or a policy on medical appointments. It tells you what you can reasonably ask for, which makes the conversation far more confident.
Whoever you tell first, ask how the information will be kept confidential and who else, if anyone, will need to know.
What if my manager reacts badly when I tell them about IVF?
Stay calm, keep the conversation focused on what you need, and follow it up in writing. A clumsy first reaction is often discomfort rather than a final answer, so give your manager a few days to come back to you. If the response is still unsupportive, speak to HR and keep a record of what was said.
Most managers have never been trained to have this conversation, so it can help to say so kindly. You are not asking them to be an expert in fertility treatment, only to work with you on the practical side.
If you are treated unfairly after an embryo transfer, that may be pregnancy discrimination, and Acas offers free, confidential advice on your options.
Should I tell my team I'm having fertility treatment?
Only if you want to. Some people find it a relief to have colleagues who understand why they are sometimes out of the office, while others prefer to keep it between themselves and their manager. A middle path is to tell your team you have some regular medical appointments coming up, and leave it there.
Whatever you choose, agree with your manager in advance what will be said to the team and who will say it. That way nothing is shared without your say-so, and you stay in control of your own story.
When I was going through treatment I had good conversations with a few key colleagues, and that felt very different from the whole team knowing. Choosing who those people were meant it stayed mine to share, rather than something that had got out.
How do I ask for flexible working during IVF?
Present it as a practical, temporary plan rather than a favour. Be specific about what you need, such as later starts on monitoring days or working from home after egg collection, how long you need it for and how your work will be covered. In England, Scotland and Wales you can make a formal request from your first day in a job.
Most people start with an informal conversation, and that is often all it takes. If you need a longer-term change to your hours or where you work, you can make a statutory flexible working request in writing. Your employer must respond within two months, including any appeal, and you can make up to two requests in any 12 months.
Either way, the business case from step four does the heavy lifting here. Show your manager how the arrangement keeps your work on track, and the conversation becomes about planning rather than permission.
Quick questions about telling work about IVF
When is the best time to tell my boss about IVF?
Ideally before your first appointment clashes with work, so you are planning ahead rather than explaining at short notice. Choose a calm moment rather than the day before a deadline, and book a proper slot so you are not squeezing it into the end of another meeting.
Should I tell my boss about IVF face to face or by email?
Face to face or on a video call is usually best, because tone matters and your manager can ask questions there and then. Follow it up with a short email afterwards confirming what you agreed, so you both have the same record.
Can my employer treat me differently because I'm having IVF?
Acas guidance says employers should treat IVF appointments and related sickness in the same way as any other medical appointment or sickness. From embryo transfer you are also protected against pregnancy discrimination. If you feel you are being treated unfairly at any stage, Acas can give you free advice.
What I know from the other side of this
I went through intensive IVF treatment at a point in my career where the stakes felt very high. I had the conversation I'd been dreading for weeks and it turned out to be one of the better things I did for myself during that time. The support I got didn't just make treatment more manageable, it made it possible. I had the headspace to keep performing at a level that earned me a promotion and a bonus that covered every penny of my treatment.
You deserve to be supported at work, not just to survive it. And the conversation that's living in your head right now is usually far more manageable than the weeks of silence that come before it.
If you're trying to work out how to navigate not just this conversation but the whole business of keeping your career intact during fertility treatment, that's exactly what I work on with clients.
Download my free guide to talking to your manager about IVF here.
Or book a free call and we can chat about how career and fertility coaching might help you. No strings or hard sells!
