Because IVF chips away at the things your confidence relies on, usually without you noticing: knowing roughly what the next few months look like, trusting your own body, and having anything left in the tank to back yourself. Months of uncertainty, appointments and loss on top of a full-time role would wear anyone down, and confidence is often the first thing to go.
I didn't see it happening to me, and that's the bit that still gets me. The recurring miscarriages were doing something to me that would never have shown up in an appraisal, and it crept up over months, so by the time I noticed I was already operating as a much smaller version of myself at work. I remember sitting in a meeting where I’d normally have led the discussion, saying almost nothing and hoping nobody would ask me. My promotion to Director came later, as I was finding my way back to myself, and I hold onto it as proof that confidence can grow back even while you're still in treatment.
So if you've ended up here because you typed that exact question into Google at some odd hour of the night, you're not imagining it and you're definitely not failing. There are reasons this happens, and once you can see them it's a lot easier to start doing something about it.
Why does IVF affect your confidence at work?
Most of us never think about what our confidence at work is built on until it starts to wobble, and for most people it comes down to feeling in control of what's coming, trusting their own judgement and having enough energy to put their hand up. Treatment has a go at all of those at once.
The planning side gets underestimated. It's very hard to throw yourself into a big project, book a holiday or go for the next role when your diary is basically run by scan results and phone calls from the clinic, and after a while you stop committing to anything with much conviction, because what's the point if it might all have to move.
Then there's your body. When it doesn't do what you expected, especially when you've done everything you were told to, it's surprisingly easy for that loss of trust to leak into how you see yourself at work, even though your ovaries and your professional judgement have nothing whatsoever to do with each other.
And the energy. The appointments, injections and early starts, plus the effort of keeping it all private or explaining it to people, come out of the same reserves you'd normally use to speak up or put yourself forward. So you start saying no to things, often without noticing, and the less you're seen, the easier it is to believe you've got less to offer, which is a horrible little loop to get stuck in.
Is it normal to lose confidence at work during IVF?
Yes, completely. Treatment eats into the certainty, energy and self-trust that confidence relies on, so even really capable women end up doubting decisions, holding back in meetings and turning down things they'd once have bitten someone's hand off for.
When I ask women how they're feeling before we start working together, I hear the same words over and over: muddled, fuzzy, uncertain, not very confident or hopeful. Lots of them are senior and have never doubted themselves at work in their lives, which is partly why it's so unsettling, and nearly all of them think they're the only one.
How do I know if it's IVF and not me?
Look at when it started. If you felt fine in your role before treatment and the doubt has crept in since, that's your answer. Other giveaways are saying no before you've properly thought something through, feeling a little bit relieved when a meeting gets cancelled, and noticing that praise from your manager just doesn't land the way it used to.
If you recognise yourself in any of those, you're most likely running on empty, and that's much easier to fix than it feels right now.
How can I start getting my confidence back at work?
Start by writing down what you've delivered in the last six months, because how you feel and what you've done are telling two very different stories at the moment and you need to see the true one. Then pick one visible thing to say yes to, and protect your energy elsewhere so you can properly show up for it.
It helps to say out loud what's going on, too, whether that's to a friend, your partner or someone at work you trust. Even something as simple as "treatment is taking a lot out of me at the moment" puts a bit of distance between what's happening to you and who you are, and it often turns up support you didn't know was there. If telling your manager is part of that, my guide on how to tell your boss about IVF walks you through the conversation.
Be choosy about what you say no to, as well. I turned down my dream job during treatment because I needed continuity, and it was absolutely the right call, one I'd make again tomorrow. I made that choice with my eyes open, and it's worth doing the same with whatever you're turning down, so your career doesn't shrink by default.
I did rebuild, though it took a lot of work and it definitely wasn't easy, and that promotion was one of the first signs it was working. Helping other women do the same is now what I spend my days doing. If you'd rather talk it through with someone who's been there, you can book a free call with me.
